Friday, October 31, 2014

Oculus (Halloween Special!)

Oculus is a strange case of horror genre idiocy, with the knowledge of how to destroy the monster (in this case an ancient, demonic mirror which controls people through illusions; causing them to perform unspeakable acts against themselves and their family) being researched, understood and set-up by our protagonists.  The only problem is the characters fail to follow their own plan; defying all common sense until it’s too late.  Video surveillance reveals reality under the mirror’s illusions; yet while they set up several recorders and own phones capable of filming, both protagonists rely on their eyes (which has been proven to fail) while rarely utilizing the cameras.  They know the mirror can absorb life from dogs and plants to increase its power, yet go right ahead with setting plenty of plants AND a dog around its range; granted it’s so they can prove the mirror’s power (which was able to frame their dad for murder), yet wouldn't that be similar to proving Freddy Krueger’s existence…by spreading terrifying rumors he’ll kill you if you believe in him?  These cases of forgetful stupidity make the mirror’s victory seem hollow and unsatisfying, not to mention bleak with all the misery it puts our protagonists through, yet never getting equal retribution. 

It’s all quite a shame really, considering the hopes I had for Oculus’ unique premise after recently buying an antique mirror (thought it’d be a good film to scare myself), not to mention its above-average cast and potential genre savviness; yet when it comes down to it, Oculus is an AMAZING horror film.

(Writer’s Edit) Oops!  Haha, um, sorry about the typo there; what I meant to write was Oculus is THE GREATEST HORROR FILM I'VE SEEN.  NO, SCRATCH THAT; THE GREATEST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY SHORT, DISPOSABLE LIFE!

.....I’m, I’m not sure why I wrote thaIN FACT, AFTER SEEING OCULUS, I DECLARE ALL OTHER FILMS INVALID.  Wait! No, I’d never declare that!  OF COURSE I WOULD!  CITIZEN KANE, PSYCHO, RAGING BULL, SCHINDLER’S LIST; THEY’RE ALL MEANINGLESS NOW WHEN COMPARED TO OCULUS! 

Why, why the hell am I writing all this INSTEAD OF WATCHING OCULUS AGAIN!?  I, I need to get out of here SO I CAN GO BUY MY FIANCEE A DOG!  A NICE, PLUMP, DOG.  Oh god I can’t control my muscles! Why am I opening the desk drawer!?  Why am I pulling out a Swiss Army knife!?  Why am I still typing on my laptop!!!?  Please, if someone reads this, please send DOGS!  LOTS OF DOGS AND JUICY PLANTS TO MY HOUSE!  

…Pleaseee stop, it huRTS THAT I LOVE OCULUS SO MUCH; SO I MUST END MY REVIEW NOW TO WATCH IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN!  AND SINCE OCULUS IS THE ONLY FILM I EVER NEED, I WON’T NEED TO WRITE A BLOG ANYMORE!  GOODBYE FOREVER!


hAVe A HlApPY HALLOmEEN EVERYONe!

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