APRIL FOOLS EVERYONE!!!!!
That’s right people, after much training and preparation I, Movie Critic Sr., am finally ready to release the ultimate top ten movie list; not of the year, not of the decade, but of ALL TIME! I've always wanted to be a movie critic ever since two years ago when my friend Hank said I knew nothing about movies (all because I said Ted was the greatest film in existence). Well after two years of nonstop watching, I've finally reached my goal of seeing approximately 5,427 movies! It wasn't easy; I essentially gave up on friends and family (not to mention my college degree and career future), yet it was all worth it to finally be able to say: LOOK AT ME NOW HANK; now who knows nothing about movies!? But let’s not waste time on petty rivalry and jump right into what you’re all here for! These are the undisputed ten greatest movies to ever be created, the pinnacle of cinematic artistry and mastery! Let’s begin shall we.
That’s right people, after much training and preparation I, Movie Critic Sr., am finally ready to release the ultimate top ten movie list; not of the year, not of the decade, but of ALL TIME! I've always wanted to be a movie critic ever since two years ago when my friend Hank said I knew nothing about movies (all because I said Ted was the greatest film in existence). Well after two years of nonstop watching, I've finally reached my goal of seeing approximately 5,427 movies! It wasn't easy; I essentially gave up on friends and family (not to mention my college degree and career future), yet it was all worth it to finally be able to say: LOOK AT ME NOW HANK; now who knows nothing about movies!? But let’s not waste time on petty rivalry and jump right into what you’re all here for! These are the undisputed ten greatest movies to ever be created, the pinnacle of cinematic artistry and mastery! Let’s begin shall we.
#10: Gladiator
Gladiator’s the greatest historical epic of all time! There’s so much action and murder in this movie, just constant bloodshed which is so totally awesome! Russell Crowe’s character is a total badass, like when he gives that speech to the Emperor (definitely one of the greatest moments in film)! What’s even crazier is the movie’s nearly three hours long yet isn't boring! How is that even possible!? Of course none of this praise is necessary, considering all I had to do was mention how Gladiator won BEST PICTURE at the Oscars, as in it was declared the best film of the year! Of course I’m taking it a step further by declaring it the 10th greatest movie of all time!
#9: The Shawshank Redemption
I’m actually not a big fan of The Shawshank Redemption; I definitely enjoyed certain parts, but found the pacing sluggish and the main character somewhat dull. Everyone else however seems to adore this movie, considering it the greatest ever made. After seeing thousands of movies it’s clear Shawshank isn't the greatest, yet I can’t deny how beloved the movie is to the majority. Since I’m in the minority here, my opinion must be wrong, so while it may not be my favorite, Shawshank Redemption is still one of the greatest movies ever made.
#8: Die Hard
I usually don’t watch movies made before I was born, mainly because most of them are outdated and have poor CGI (or none at all believe it or not)! My friend Hank once wanted me to watch his favorite film 2001: A Space Odyssey, yet why would I ever watch a space film made before we landed on the moon! Of course they’re exceptions such as Die Hard, one of the most kickass movies you’ll ever see! It’s got everything a great movie should have: guns, explosions, murder, blood, more explosions, boobs, sex, helicopters, cursing, grenades and explosions! Sorry Hank, but I think we’ll take our awesome boobs and explosions movie over your silly little Space Odyssey any day!#7: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Speaking of space movies, let’s move on to Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith, the greatest of the Star Wars franchise! Sure back in the day, A New Hope or Empire Strikes Back were considered the highlights of space epics, but now they've become nothing more than crudely made relics. Their special effects are primitive and the lightsaber duels sluggish and dull; even George Lucas’ CGI updates couldn't help resurrect their past glory. Fortunately, we’re blessed with Lucas’ final installment, Revenge of the Sith, an epic like no other with amazing CGI and kickass, fast-paced battles. The final fight between Anakin and Obi Wan is amazing looking and keeps on going every time you think it’s sadly over! Of course there will come a time when even this movie becomes outdated; fortunately there’s a new Star Wars movie coming out this year, so I may have to update this list after it’s finally released!
#6: Rocky IV
Another blast from the past still worth seeing! Of course there had to be a Rocky movie on this list, and Rocky IV is the greatest of the series. Unlike the sluggish first film, Rocky IV moves swiftly; quickly getting through all the boring exposition to the epic boxing matches. There’s so much greatness in this movie; how could anyone have foreseen Apollo Creed being killed, or how about Rocky having to battle Drago in Russia rather than America! Of course Rocky shows those Commies whose boss, kicking Drago's butt and giving an inspirational speech on how the Russians can change their evil ways. Rocky IV is not only one of the greatest movies, but also one of the most influential; actually causing the real-life fall of the Soviet Union (at least I’m pretty sure it did), with the Russians now considering Rocky a national hero!#5: Citizen Kane
I've actually never seen Citizen Kane, but I've heard from people it’s the greatest film ever made, even more so than The Shawshank Redemption! After hearing such claims I had to look the movie up to confirm, and lo and behold it is! The oldest movie on this list, Citizen Kane (as stated by Wikipedia) is “particularly praised for its cinematography, music, and narrative structure, which were innovative for its time”. It’s also held the number one spot in the Sights and Sound magazine for five consecutive polls, clearly making it one of the grea…wait, hold on…apparently Citizen Kane was surpassed in 2012 by a movie called Vertigo…..
#5: C̶i̶t̶i̶z̶e̶n̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶ Vertigo
Ahem, as I meant to say, Vertigo is one of the greatest movies ever created, clearly more so than Citizen Kane! I mean look at it, unlike Kane, Vertigo is actually in color (a major plus)! As Robin Wood’s says, Vertigo is “Hitchcock's masterpiece to date and one of the four or five most profound and beautiful films the cinema has yet given us”, clearly deserving this spot as the 5th greatest movie of all time, though it still pales in comparison to…..
#4: Pokémon 4ever
Now I know what you’re all thinking; Pokémon 4ever!?...Why isn't it Pokémon: The Movie 2000 instead!!? I’ll be the first to admit, the second Pokémon film is a masterpiece, but compared to 4ever it doesn't stand a chance! I mean we get to see Professor Oak as a kid AND see Celebi for the first time on screen! Not to mention the amazing scene where Celebi nearly dies; who doesn't cry their eyes out whenever that scene occurs. Vertigo and Shawshank Redemption may be masterpieces on their own regard, but there’s no denying the superiority Pokémon 4ever has on them as the 4th greatest movie ever!
#3: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an updated version of Die Hard; possessing everything that movie had, plus the addition of giant, transforming robots! It doesn't stop there however, for Michael Bay (the greatest director of all time) was genius enough to add EVEN MORE EXPLOSIONS than Die Hard!!! There’s also Megan Fox’s character Mikaela, who is by far the greatest female character ever conceived. Like all great female characters she’s incredibly hot (who doesn't love the motorcycle scene), yet Bay doesn’t stop there, somehow making her even sexier during the action/explosion scenes (how is that even possible)! With such mastery of directing and character building, Bay creates the third greatest movie of all time!
#2: Avatar
Even Star Wars can’t compare to this sci-fi masterpiece! Avatar is beautiful in every way, shape and form; yet it’s not simply how it looks which places the movie at number 2, but how it’s told. Avatar has one of the most ingenious, complex tales in movie existence; a story so unique and refreshingly new it blew our minds by showing not all aliens are evil and perhaps…HUMANITY are the true villains! What truly shocked me however, was a genius realization that Avatar isn't simply a made up story, but a symbolic one! Did you ever stop to think how the Na’vi people represent Native Americans, and the soldiers represent Europeans, only set in space!? Your mind has just been officially blown! Avatar's also the highest grossing movie OF ALL TIME, which while doesn't equivalent greatest movie, definitely qualifies it for this list!
#1: Rio 2
Rio 2 blew away all expectations of what a movie should be! I don’t know if I can watch movies the same way again after seeing such a masterpiece of story, character and emotion! I loved Rio 2 so much I actually saw it twice, something I never do with movies! I know it unusual claiming a movie which came out last year to be the greatest, but that’s how most movies go; the older one’s become bland and obsolete while the new releases take over their spots. Rio 2 is an exception however, a movie which will stay relevant and fresh for centuries to come. It is the pinnacle of cinematic artistry and mastery, and quite clearly the greatest movie ever created!!!
Bonus:
Worst Movie Ever Made: The Tree of Life
The Tree of Life is a complete 180 from Rio 2; a movie so boring, stupid and incomprehensible I stopped watching after the first 30 minutes! I mean, the movie’s about this boy and then it just randomly cuts to dinosaurs for no reason! WTF!? And what was with that space scene, it made zero sense and added nothing to the story; and from what I saw there was never any “Tree” at all! The Tree of Life is clearly the worst movie ever made, one only an idiot would enjoy.
